I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
