just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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