1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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