I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
