I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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