I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
