Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize