I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
