I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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