Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Is it penis luge time yet?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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