my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
