True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
