ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
