the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
