I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
