I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
