Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
