I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
