1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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