If i come over, it means nothing
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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