I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
