who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
