he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
