Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
