Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
