please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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