Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize