I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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