dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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