chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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