I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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