Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
did i just pee glitter
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize