highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
