the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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