I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
3 2 1 whiskey
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
