if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
