bring money and cleavage
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
