U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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