Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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