nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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