He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
