I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
