Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
