Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I have tasted many bathrooms
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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