my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize