mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize