honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
