No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
