Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
