I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
