dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
