I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
