My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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