Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
