very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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