Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
