Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
