So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
