He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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