Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
