Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
