WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
