Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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