Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
