the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
