I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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